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Explaining Burlesque to a Server I Work With

Carl: So, it's like stripping? You're a stripper?

Me: Well, yeah, it's like stripping, but there are more elaborate costumes that you have to make, and my troupe does burlesque plays, so you have to learn lines and stuff, too.

Carl: Oh, okay so you got nice costumes and you got to do some acting. You get naked, though, like a stripper?

Me: Mostly, down to underwear and pasties at least.

Carl: You make lots of money, though, like a stripper?

Me: Well, no, not really lots of money, no.

Carl: And you got to pay for those nice costumes and you got to learn your lines? Why you don't just be a stripper?

Me: Burlesque is a labor of love, Carl. It's a labor of love. ...Also, I don't like people to touch me. And I don't like having to talk to people. I'm not really a people-person, Carl.

Carl: Oh, alright then.

How My American Horror Story Audition Went

Casting Guy: How are you?

Me: (internally) Shit, what do I say? Be cool, be cool. Oh I know what I'll say, my old roommate Zack used to say it all the time and it sounded cool and people seemed to respond well to it.

Me: (aloud) Better than I deserve, sir.

Casting Guy: Oh really? And why is that? Did you do something bad?

Me: (internally) Damn it, I don't remember anyone ever asking him that before. They usually just chuckle and say "Aren't we all" or something. What do I say? What do I say? I know! I'll just coyly say,"Wouldn't you like to know?" Oh shit, have I paused for a very long time without answering his question? Yes, yes I have.

Me: (aloud) ......................(smiling like an idiot).......................

Casting Guy: I want to know! Why don't you deserve it?

Me: ......................Oh, you know.

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